Repentance
by Kristee Loory Van-Hoyte
Summary: When you think you can control everything - you fail. And that was exactly what Leo thought when his brother became more than a brother for him. Warning: turtlecest, angst and mentioning of not very pleasant things.
1. Chapter 1

It's TMNT. And I don't own them. Never did.  
**Title**: Repentance. Chapter 1  
**Pairing**: Leo/Raph. Onesided.  
**Raiting**: T? Not sure.  
**Warning**: turtlecest, mentioning of not very pleasant things, angst.  
**Summary**: Leo was always in control and looked firmly towards the approaching danger. But now he has to fight invisible and intangible enemy he had never expected to face...  
**For you**: I hope You enjoy it. Any tips and comments are welcome. Thank You for reading!

* * *

**CHAPTER 1. CONTROL**

_I'll do anything to protect my family._

He knew he will. His first promise. It didn't mean that his brothers were incapable to take care of themselves, that they were bad ninjas, that they couldn't possibly survive without him.

It only meant that he loved them.

He loved cheerful and light-hearted Mikey, who enjoyed every moment of his life despite not very smooth and comforting reality. He loved smart and kind Don, who seemed to know everything and made this 'everything' work right. He loved brave and strong Raph, who was ready to give his life for all of them any second and never gave up.

God, he loved his brothers so much!

...

_If you need me, I'm always there for you._

He promised that too, didn't he?

He was always there; ready to help, to support, to do whatever they needed. He watched Mikey skateboarding and cooked indescribable pizzas with the youngest of the clan for holidays. He listened to Don's endless explanations not getting his words and tried to help him in the lab. He trained with Raph and resisted his flashes of anger, letting him calm down a bit.

Yes, he was there for them. And even if pizzas got burned sometimes, Don's experiments failed and missed heavy punch knocked senior brother off, it really didn't matter much.

Because he was there.

...

_I won't let anything terrible happen to them._

Unspoken promise. He knew he couldn't prevent all bad things in this world and couldn't be everywhere and every time. But he tried. Tried so hard…

Because he didn't want to see crying Mikey. Didn't want to see worried Don. He didn't want to see angry Paph. They deserved to be happy.

And he deserved it too.

...

His promises…

He broke them all.

...

It had started two years ago. Reality had become a nightmare. And his greatest ability had turned against him in the end.

He was always in control. Always. Whatever it was – place, surroundings, situation, even time – he always controlled it. At least, he tried to do it. And it was the same about his body and mind. Every move, every step, every word – he urged to control them all from the very childhood.

Self control. That was his greatest ability and part of his leader's essence.

He thought there was nothing that could break this. Of course, they had come through different events during their life and his ability had been questioned and attacked many times. It had been unbearably hard to recover from some of those attacks. But no enemy had been able to break him and his self control completely. No monsters, no gangs, no aliens. No one. He had overpowered them all.

But life sometimes could be so unpredictable.

So uncontrollable.

Two years ago he had felt it for the first time. And 3 agonizing months later he gave up the fight, admitting his defeat. Absolute defeat. His ability to control his own needs and emotions was crushed ruthlessly and forcefully. That was no one's fault. It just happened.

He lost himself in Raphael.

For the next couple of months he desperately tried just to live with it, avoiding his brother as much as possible and suppressing his own powerful urges. He woke up in his bed, screaming silently and feeling his body trembling deeply, shuddering from dreams he didn't want to see and shivering with exhaustion due to the lack of sleep. Golden orbs haunted him all the time, no place to hide or escape.

It started to become horrifying.

...

Then Splinter sent him away for training.

But blessed 6 months period away from the source of his torments ended quickly, too quickly to have some healing effect. And so he didn't come home after that. He just couldn't even if he missed his brothers and father very much, even if he was worried about them and felt guilty for not writing and letting them know he was still alive.

He often wondered if Raphael thought about him, but so far away without any way to connect them it was easier to imagine hothead's actions and words. Probably distance, wild aura and his new role as Ghost of the Jungle did their job pretty well. Besides staying here was his own decision and somehow it meant he started to take his life under control again.

The way it should be.

By the time April found him he felt almost calm and collected, like it always was. When they talked and he asked about his siblings and Raphael nothing seemed to bother him. At least in that disturbing and torturing way. And he decided that it was time to come back since he had his self control again and was able to think coherently and act firmly, following the reason, not instincts.

Way to home was short despite the miles separating them, especially since he forbid himself any kind of hesitation. Decision was made and he just had to follow it.

What leader he was if he wouldn't do what he decided to?

He asked forgiveness from his master and father and received comforting encouragement he didn't expect, exchanged few words with Raph, smiled, talked to Donnie, hugged Mikey. Was good to be home again. He could see some new mechanism genius was working at through the opened lab door, he could smell pizza's aroma as happy youngest brother served quick late night snack for them in the kitchen, he could hear wise and warming words sensei was telling him as they sat behind one table like they used to before. And even Raphael's absence couldn't spoil the moment, thought of course it felt like something was missing. Then they all said goodnight to each other and he slowly went upstairs to his own room, counting the steps and not thinking about anything. Having closed the door behind, he walked forward to the bed and lowered onto it slowly.

There, in the living room, with his brothers and father he was able to lie to himself, being surrounded by their voices, smiles and looks that served as a distraction. Here, in the darkness and silence of his personal shelter that suddenly looked like a prison, his self-possession and self-deception were scattered around the space.

All he could see now despite his closed eyes was Raphael's face, beckoning golden orbs, movements of powerful body. All he could smell was brother's intoxicating scent. All he could hear were few dark green terrapin's words rolling in his droning head over and over again.

_I'm going to bed._

He wasn't able to sleep that night.

...

Then it all became only worse as if his immoral feelings were not enough. He heard about that Nightwatcher character and noticed that Raph actually liked him quite a lot, approving his actions and confronting Leonardo about cursed vigilante. And leader's soul unexpectedly burned with another, not less strong feeling – hatred. He would have been disturbed by the intensity of it before, but now it seemed almost natural.

Unfortunately the more he accused and 'attacked' Nightwatcher, the more Raphael became angry with him. But Leo didn't care, all he thought about was stopping that so-called hero once and for all. He wanted to wipe that costume freak out of the streets, out of New York, out of Raph's world. He didn't think logically, but at least his obsessive intention helped him focus his mind on something else except his brother.

Don and Mikey noticed, of course, but didn't ask why he was so fixed on Nightwatcher. And even if they did – he wouldn't have answered. Besides, what could he say? That he – their leader, elder brother, well trained ninja who kept his mind cool during the hardest battles - was jealous? So jealous it made his insides burn every time he simply heard anything about vigilante?

They were not going to understand, Leo was sure. Nobody could. Not father, not brothers, not friends. He was absolutely alone this time, fighting the invisible and intangible enemy he had never expected to face. But no matter what he refused to give up, doing his best to control it, to find some peace, to get things back to normal again. And even if his body and mind betrayed him this time, he still tried.

He had to.

Then there was that fight on the roof. It left him confused. Scared. Willing even more. And when his family came for him after he had been kidnapped and Raphael looked at him without anger for the first time since his return Leo suddenly realized that things were not going to be the same ever again. Maybe he had hated Nightwatcher before, maybe he still disliked Raph's alter ego, but this character made them closer, helped leader get through brother's shields and finally receive some warmth and care he craved so much. It wasn't enough, but at least it was something. Maybe it was some sort of a chance, even if Leonardo couldn't even think about confessing what he was going through. He couldn't lose what he had earned with such efforts.

But he was totally honest when he said that he was going to need Raph.

He just didn't let anybody know complete meaning of this phrase.

...

Things became much calmer since that fight with stone generals. They were a family again, spent time together, went on patrols. Raphael wasn't tensed around him anymore, he smiled, patted elder brother on the shoulder giving him pleasurable creeps and laughed, making Leo's heart squeeze every time he heard those wonderful sounds. Maybe it was still painful to keep himself from touching or showing true feelings, but eventually leader started to think he could live with it.

Could control it.

...

It was usual patrol. Actually it was Mikey and Donnie's turn, but youngest didn't feel too well and genius was busy. Or maybe he caught some virus from the youngest as he was a bit flashed and absent-minded as if having some dizziness. At least that's how he looked when Leonardo peeked into the lab to say he was going on patrol himself. He really intended to take long – longer than it was necessary - walk around sewers like he used to lately to collect his thoughts and distract himself a little, but hearing familiar sounds from dojo he slowed down before realizing it. Low grunts meant Raphael was working out, spending a free time, blowing off some steam or maybe just having nothing else to do. After almost a minute of hesitation leader forced himself look natural, walked in and invited his brother to come with him. Hothead stared at him for some time as if considering something, but then just smiled and nodded. He seemed to be somewhat distracted, plunged into some deep thoughts, but Leo didn't ask anything. He just wanted some time with his brother.

So it was usual patrol.

Leonardo didn't notice when he slowed his movements to be behind Raphael. Trying to control his breathing, he walked after him, staring at powerful thighs and the tip of small tail that wriggled slightly in the accord of movements. Raph's walk was wide, confident, a bit heavy, but Leo knew that it was a deceptive impression. Of course, hothead wasn't the fastest of them all, but he wasn't slow. Especially, in the fight. Leo gulped with great effort, not even caring to keep normal face expression and not bothering that his brother could turn around every moment and notice what he was looking at. Shell, he didn't care, he just wanted to touch those legs so much, wanted to feel strong muscles under his fingers, stroke dark green skin, lick it, nip it, bit it… Wanted to make his brother tremble and whisper his name again and again… Wanted to be as close to that body as he never was before…

Yes, he wanted to take him. Claim him. Devour him.

He couldn't control it. It suddenly dawned on him with indescribable weight, but right now he somehow couldn't feel anything about it. No fear, no regret, no guilt. He couldn't control it and – Shell! – he didn't want to!

Next thing he saw was Raphael on his shell, feet pressing to the floor, legs moved apart, eyes unfocused and mouth opened slightly. His own fingers pressing to hothead's pressure point a bit harder than it was necessary. His hands moving swiftly tying Raph's arms with his belt to old, but still solid pipe near the wall and then finally wandering hungrily all along other's body. Water dripped from the ceiling, small drops landing on hothead's collarbone and plastron, glimmering slightly in the dim light of sewer tunnels.

Leonardo's watched one of them slowly tracing down Raph's neck. His breath caught in his throat.

And his mind switched off.


	2. Chapter 2

It's TMNT. And I don't own them. Never did.  
**Title**: Repentance. Chapter 2  
**Pairing**: Leo/Raph. Onesided.  
**Raiting**: T? Not sure.  
**Warning**: turtlecest, mentioning of not very pleasant things, angst.  
**Summary**: Two weeks passed. Was this time enought for anything to happen?  
**For you**: I hope You enjoy it. Any tips and comments are welcome. Thank You for reading!

* * *

**Chapter 2. Red. He didn't need it**

Just as slowly as reality was crawling back into his heavy mind Raphael slowly took log and deep breath and opened his eyes, taking some time to adjust to dim light. It was quite dull in living room, but somehow he still needed that time to start seeing. Maybe because he didn't have enough rest lately or maybe because his dreams were darker than ever and even candle's light seemed to be binding.

Or maybe because he didn't quite want to return to reality despite his rotten visions, not willing to meet what he knew he had to.

He realized what had awakened him even before he saw Leo kneeling in front of the sofa. Raphael frowned. Elder brother took hold of his legs, wrapping hands around them carefully, and buried his face into Raph's knees, his raged warm breath tickling dark green skin.

There was feeling of moisture.

That touch was like… burning. As if leader had strong fever. This stinging heat felt especially uncomfortable against his own cold body.

Even more uncomfortable since usually it was vise versa.

He gazed at the top of brother's head blankly for some time not making any sounds, till Leo slowly leaned back as though having felt other's awakening. There were two damp trails of tears glimmering on his slightly pale cheeks and coming out of reddened tired eyes that looked just like his own. It wasn't about color, it was about expression they held. It was tensed, piercing, haunted. Reminded of two trapped wild animals staring at each other and realizing with deep ache that they can't do anything to break free or help another one, only look silently and hope to be shot first in order not to watch other's painful death.

But then Leonardo moved and Raph's body tensed immediately, muscles bulging slightly and palms flinching to clench in fists subconsciously. It seemed to be so needful and almost instinctive action that dark green mutant couldn't have stopped it even if he wanted to. Of course he did try to stay calm, but his body acted on its own, reacting and getting ready to anything that might come, even if Raphael wasn't actually sure what exactly it could be.

After all he wasn't in a battlefield, Bishop's lab or anything like that, he was home, he was safe and he didn't need to respond to other's movement as if that one was some freaky alien ready to skin him alive just to see how long he can last like that.

For a moment there Raphael thought that maybe it would have been better to see freaky alien instead of leader's face, but he chased it away. It was stupid thought.

At least, he wasn't actually angry.

He just wanted Leo to leave him alone. That wasn't very much, right?

Of course Leonardo noticed his tension. He closed his eyes for a couple of seconds, then took his hands away releasing hothead's legs and moving back slightly so he wasn't touching him anymore. Eldest of the clan was still kneeling, his position humble and shoulders lowered as if invisible heavy burden was weighing down on them.

"Sorry…" He whispered almost inaudible.

That was to be expected.

Raphael continued to gaze at him silently, his pulse growing, its rhythm picking up nervously. No, he wasn't afraid of his brother, not that. Leo's vicinity was just causing memories of what had happened to surface from the depth of his mind. They flashed in Raph's head against his will and that made his heart skip few beats only to race faster after that and then repeat the same pattern again and again, making him lose his breath slightly and feel that cold sickness somewhere deep in his gut.

But unfortunately memories weren't just smeared fluctuating images accumulating against each other in a bad imitation of some old faded movie, one you can forget right after seeing it. Those memories had colors, smells, clarity, they clang into Raphael like crazed pit bull terrier, digging their claws deeper into his brain, refusing to let go and bringing more pain with every second. They had shape, dark and opaque on the one hand and escaping and intangible on another, shape that was swelling up from its own existence and feeding on the rapidly changing emotions of the one it all was meant for.

And – what was the worst – they brought feelings with them..

Every time those memories ripped through the mental blockade he thought he had managed to build Raphael could actually feel Leo's hands sliding all over his body, Leo's lips touching and nipping his skin, Leo's hot breath ghosting over his skin, Leo's hard flesh piercing him below, thrusting inside and causing burning waves of pain to appear again and again…

_Leo, Leo, Leo…_

Raph sighed again, trying to force himself to relax a bit and realizing bitterly that he will fail to do it again. He had enough of those memories during the nights that brought no rest; did he really have to deal with them now too? At least Leo had almost locked himself in his room since that day two weeks ago, so when red masked ninja started to abandon his own shelter to eat in the kitchen or watch TV with his brothers he didn't have to meet blue-clad terrapin. That was a relief, but since this moment it seemed like Leonardo was going to take it away from him. Not intentionally – after all he just wanted to apologize and not to torture his brother more - but still.

He really didn't understand that not hating Leo for what he had done Raphael simply wasn't ready to be close to him again. That was all.

And he wasn't angry.

Suddenly Raph tensed even more, sickness increasing as he realized it was the first time during last weeks when they were alone. Silence surrounded them, TV screen was already blank and its dull flickering was the only source of light in the living room, Mikey probably already sleeping and Donnie totally consumed by his work in the lab. Raphael's muscles rolled slightly under his skin as he continued to sit straight watching his brother and trying to keep cool and prevent himself from pushing Leonardo away or jumping up and running somewhere far away.

That if he could move normally, of course, because his body didn't seem to be completely under control. Even despite the fact that they were close once again, so close…

And Leo touched him. What if..? If anything he was ready to protect himself this time, was not going to let it happen again, he will fight till the end, it won't repeat and…

Dark green mutant closed his eyes for a moment, forcing those thought away with quite an effort and instead focusing on chanting familiar true coming from the very childhood: Leo was his senior brother, he always took care of him, he could be trusted, he didn't mean to hurt him… Ever. And especially that way. But then again… That was exactly what Raph had thought two weeks ago, hadn't he? Just right before the ground had been wiped out from under him with Leo's trip up and leader had given him that odd hungry glance before sending him into half-unconsciousness using pressure points and tying his hands to some old pipe…

Right before he…

"Please, forgive me…" Leo's broken voice brought him back to reality. "I never meant to hurt you… I know words won't make it up to you, but I'm so sorry, Raphie…"

Hothead couldn't help powerful shudder that shook his tensed body almost causing a physical pain. Another memory stroke his mind: Leo's lying atop of him, pressing and pushing, breathing heavily, clenching into him and repeating 'Raphie' again and again… Trying not to make any sounds Raphael took a deep slow breath in and looked aside, avoiding other's gaze. He still couldn't force a word out of him, couldn't move, couldn't hear Leo's voice calling him that nickname.

It hurt.

And above all that he felt that he had never been so confused in his whole life. Maybe that was partly the reason of his weird inability to move. He didn't know how to react, what to do, how to behave, what to say or even think. When something bad had happened before he always knew how to deal with it; when there was an enemy he could fight and defeat it. His ninja skills, strength, stubbornness and sais helped him with that. And when it wasn't enough he had his brothers to count on, to stand by his side and help him no matter what. To be his support. To cheer him up, come up with some good plan or put out another incredible mechanism that left him in amazement and helped them won battles that were supposed to be hopeless.

That's why it felt so horrible to realize that this time situation was completely different. Much more complicated. Leo was that 'something bad'. He was 'enemy'. How could Raphael possibly fight or defeat him? How could he deal with that? How could he turn to his family for help if Leo was the part of it?

He wasn't angry.

Raph shifted, desire to run away slowly becoming unbearable, but his knees appeared to be too weak and he just couldn't get up. He cursed himself mentally, but it didn't help much. Leo was still looking at him with his eyes full of pain and repentance and that cold sickness deep in his guts grew stronger, breathing getting more faltering with every second. Throat suddenly felt too dry to even swallow.

Because he didn't want this pain. He didn't need this repentance. He simply wanted to be left alone, but instead of that he sat there with kneeling leader in front of him, not able to talk, move or leave and was forced to remember again and again about what had happened two weeks ago when usual world had suddenly shuttered and he had been attacked by the only enemy he couldn't have possibly been ready for.

What was he supposed to do with this?

"Leo!" Raphael flinched as the door to living room was open and light was switched on. "What are you doing?"

Having shifted slightly, Leonardo turned his head to look at Donatello moving in their direction. Raphael barely held long exhale of relief when those eyes finally left him, giving first break during last few minutes.

"I just wanted to apologize…" Leo said quietly, his voice a bit shaky.

With his pose and tone he reminded of a child waiting for punishment for some bad prank he had done earlier. But this didn't seem to have any effect on Don as olive green terrapin looked at him discontentedly.

"We already discussed that." He hissed in the manner that was unusual for him. "And there was something we agreed on."

Raphael closed his eyes again after seeing Leonardo nod. He knew what it was all about – his brothers agreed that Leo shouldn't stay alone with Raph for some time. Maybe for a long time. Leo broke his promise, because obviously his urge to apologize was far stronger than that. And even if he didn't think few words can make it up, he still needed to try.

So like Leo. He always knew better, didn't he?

"Raph…" This time it was Don's soft voice that brought him back to reality and that return was much more pleasurable. "Is everything ok?"

Genius hesitantly put a hand on his shoulder as if being afraid to hurt him by the mere touch.

And that did it. That cursed tension that had keeping Raph immobilized vanished quickly and even sore muscles weren't enough to decrease his satisfaction with the fact. Not saying anything, Raphael nodded slowly and got up, moving heavily and wasting all his energy just to keep balance. For a second he thought about saying 'thanks', but then decided it could wait. Besides his throat was still terribly dry and he didn't really want to rasp and cough right now, causing more worries and possible questions. It was better to simply leave before Leo could say anything else or Don switch into doctor mode.

It took him almost a minute to get to aperture, and all that time he could practically feel two pair of eyes following him. He felt as if he had crossed Sahara by the moment he finally opened the door to his room, stumbled in and slummed it behind, shutting off everything that had happened during last half an hour. Loud sound rolled across the corridor and after that silence once again filled turtle's lair.

Probably those two were going to talk about him, but Raphael couldn't bring himself to care. He leaned his back against the door and for few seconds just stood there not moving and not thinking about anything. It was his room, his shelter, no one was here. No danger. No need to force his body to move. No memories. No feelings.

No Leo.

Inhaling deeply, dark green mutant shuddered suddenly, but forced himself to relax again. No need to overreact. He was calm. Everything was fine.

And he wasn't angry.

He just needed some rest. Some sleep without dreams, only blank darkness around and quiet sounds of his own breathing.

Feeling his eyes sting slightly Raphael did one step towards his bed and stopped abruptly as some powerful and terrifying wave of heavy quake came through his tired body, burning alive every muscle, every part, every cell. Raph's face contorted sharply as he straggled desperately to regain control of himself and realizing that this time he will fail.

Not anger.

Golden eyes flashed in the darkness, two yellow orbs flaming with a fire that meant to burn everything it would touch.

It was ultimate rage.


	3. Chapter 3

It's TMNT. And I don't own them. Never did.  
**Title**: Repentance. Chapter 3  
**Pairing**: Leo/Raph. Onesided.  
**Raiting**: T? Not sure.  
**Warning**: turtlecest, mentioning of not very pleasant things, angst.  
**Summary**: Thinking. Analyzing. Thinking again...  
**For you**: I hope You enjoy it. Any tips and comments are welcome. Thank You for reading!

* * *

**Chapter 3. Violet. Analysis.**

Don threw one quick glance over his remained sibling and then averted his eyes.

"Sorry, Donnie." Leo sighed looking down and not getting up from his kneeling position. "I know I promised, but I needed to try."

Genius shook his head slightly and stepped back slightly as if being afraid to touch leaf green terrapin.

"Sure _you_ needed…" He muttered, bitterness in his voice making other one flinch slightly.

Having sighed Donatello studied ceiling for some time, trying to calm down his agitation and mostly not to see brother's face. Not that he didn't have anything to say, - he could say a lot, - it was just hard to start conversation without those accusing notes that colored every spoken word lately. And even if Leonardo was to blame, it wasn't any good to push him even more. He already looked like he had gained ten years during last two weeks especially with his red tired eyes, slow movements, pale cheeks and quiet shaking voice. If forget about what had happen it was hard to believe it was actually their Fearless leader.

Although it was impossible to forget something like that.

"You really shouldn't…" Don really hated the way his own voice sounded now, but couldn't really do anything about it. "Shouldn't be alone with him."

"Yes."

"It's better to wait for some time. For his own good and for yours."

"Yes." Same plain response.

Donatello cringed.

"I'm sure he will turn to you as soon as he's ready to set things straight."

"Yes."

"Just don't push him."

"Yes."

It was starting to become terribly annoying.

"Do you even listen, Leo?" Don's voice held much more irritation that he wanted to show. "Or is it just a way to get rid of me as soon as possible by making me think that you do?"

Dull and slightly wet brown eyes finally met his. Genius just stared back silently waiting for a response.

"I do listen." Leonardo said quietly after a second.

"Really?" Sarcasm wasn't any help here, but Donnie couldn't help it. "That was exactly what you told me last time when we were agreeing you shouldn't be with Raph alone for a while. And when you repeated it when I reminded you about it few days ago."

Even if Leo was embarrassed it was left unknown as the eldest immediately dropped his head down, eyes locking on the floor again.

"What is it Leo?" Don realized he should stop, but it was easier said than done. "You agree and break your promise, say you listen and lie, take advice and don't follow it… Is it your new tactic to make everything worse or what?"

No reply.

"Or maybe it's because you think you know everything?" That was really going nowhere. "Leo, I gave you all many lectures on the matter in the past – we're not human and our animal side is essential part of our identity and it's not to be forgotten about. Remember?"

"Yes." It was barely audible.

"So why on Earth didn't you…"

Donatello paused here, his mouth slowly closing and turning into thin quivering line. Why didn't Leo do what? Came to one of them and confessed he wanted to have sex with one of his brothers? Not actually the easiest thing to do. One day you hug him, pat on the shoulder and lecture, and the next one – you realize you want to fuck his brains out. Things like that could seriously damage your brain.

On the other it that didn't happed suddenly. Leo admitted it. It had been growing inside, terrifying him and making crazy with the realization and inability to control it. And come on, keeping something like that inside for more than a year was way too much. Leonardo should have said something.

_Anything_, really. Smallest hint would have been enough.

It wasn't spoken aloud, but Don cursed himself for not noticing. He knew the same was true about Mikey. Well, Leo proved to be unbelievable in hiding things, but that was definitely not something he could be proud of. There should be limit to everything.

"Do you still… want him, Leo?"

That sounded almost casual. Silence was the only answer, but visible flinch and shaky breath were far more eloquent that any words.

Donatello didn't know why he asked that. Now, after what had happened two weeks ago, he could practically feel Leo's craving for Raph and knew it hadn't gone anywhere. It was so obvious and clear that made hard to believe nobody had seen it before. And more of it, he realized it was something more than just certain animal instincts, because Raph wasn't the only possible mate in the lair. They all reached sexual maturity, but Leonardo didn't hesitate for a second. He had chosen Raphael once and for all, he had wanted him and him only, his need never turned towards his other two brothers.

Explanation was simple - Leonardo had feelings for Raph, even if he still refused to believe it on some level. It was ridiculous that he still tried to deny it as if loving hothead was worse than forcing him into sex. Maybe in his eyes it was, but… But it didn't make sense anyway. You don't usually hurt the one you care about unless you're a complete psycho. Leo wasn't one. So feelings were the reason why he had chosen Raphael, but not the reason why he had hurt him that much. They just couldn't be the reason even if they made pretty disturbing combo with instinctive urges.

Instincts… Yes, they all came though it, Donnie knew it about himself and was sure about Raph and Mikey. After all, how could they not? They were grown up, healthy male creatures, those instincts were natural. But for Don personally they brought cautious thoughts, need for someone, for something, for a mate, for specific attention. But nothing more. It didn't took over him; those urges didn't turn him or Raph or Mikey into… into… Well, they didn't make them cause pain to another one and force him to do something that was totally unwanted.

Of course the answer could be in different, deeper level of mutation, but come on, if it came to this than Raph was more of an animal than Leo. Hothead with his raging emotions and some wild passion for fighting, no matter what the reason of the fight was; Raphael who acted mostly on instincts and tended to forget about rules and restrictions was the best candidate for that role.

But maybe that was his advantage as well even in the matters like this. Raph didn't hold everything inside for a long time, his nature demanded forcefully to let it out and it happened eventually. He shouted, ran away, fought, got angry and uncontrollable, but all this helped to subdue inner tension if not eliminate it. Yes, Raph was never the one to hide something for a year even if he wanted it. He was too open-hearted for that.

As for Mikey, the youngest's lightheartedness prevented him from even reaching necessary rate of problem to lose it completely. And when it came to Don himself, well… He was a balanced creature and too slow in accumulating tension, and usually it all resolved far before any critical level was achieved.

Leo, on the other hand, was different. Different not only because of his nature, but also because of all that responsibility upon his shoulders. He was supposed to be leader, to be the best, to be an example, to be strong and collected. With all that he usually thought he was supposed to be perfect. Well, sure he had realized with a help of Ancient One that he couldn't be more than he is, but this striving for perfection hadn't gone completely. It had just taken different shape. And being who he was Leonardo couldn't just turn for help with such a delicate question since the craving for a brothers definitely wasn't the part of his moral codex.

His damn utter believe in his ability for control didn't help either.

Donatello sighed, trying to calm down growing pulse. He had thought about it for so many times during last two weeks that almost learned it all by heart as if preparing to present a lecture in some university. Problem was that all those analyses were not leading anywhere. They couldn't resolve the current situation or ease Raph's pain or do anything that could help in any way.

That was crushing him.

"Look." Genius muttered, rubbing his temples. "I didn't mean to be so… Well, so…"

"I understand." Blue masked ninja nodded slightly.

Donatello sighed deeply.

"I seriously doubt it." It was barely audible whisper that fell down from his lips.

Silence once again surrounded them, heavy and disturbing. It was starting to become really annoying to be like that: think carefully before speaking, chose right words and try not to catch other's gaze meanwhile. Shell, if only Leo would have…

Don shook his head. That was no constructive side in going on about 'if only', it was better to concentrate on fixing the situation at hand. Well, maybe not fixing, but at least pointing out the most devastating features of it.

Except for those that were pretty obvious, of course.

It was necessary to do it. Maybe he couldn't change what had happened, but at least he could prevent it from becoming even worse. Problem was that fearless didn't tend to play along or help much, but at least he could try not to make everything more complicated while Don hectically tried to think of something that could work. Another problem was that he needed to rely on his intuition in that case since the whole thing was totally unfamiliar to him. After all he never though he would face the necessity to deal with the matter of one brother taking another one down in a way that hurt like nothing else.

"You don't realize the problem, Leo." Don turned to leader abruptly making that one flinch.

Strong confusion contorted Leonardo's face. Sure he thought he realized everything. It drove him insane, but he understood the situation. Genius rubbed his chin.

"I'll rephrase." He spoke slowly. "You don't realize the full problem."

"Donnie…" Leader frowned. "I'm not some heartless bastard, of course I do reali…"

"No, you don't." Olive green terrapin interrupted even if it seemed that he said it more to himself than to Leo. "You know, Raph doesn't talk much usually and he do it even less now. Actually I think we exchanged only few words during last two weeks. He doesn't share his feelings with me or Mikey, he's closed completely. But even with that I can see that he's not broken, at least, not quite, you see that?"

Having nodded, Leonardo gazed intently at his brother. Don could bet they were thinking the same thing now: Raph's strength appeared to be amazing. And it didn't mean physically this time.

"We didn't talk to him about… what had happened." Donatello shook his head slightly. "Didn't even mention it. But we have spent all our life together, so, I guess, we can sometimes see different things without discussing them or being informed of some changes. But even I didn't realize the whole problem until Raph spoke few days ago. Not that he was actually talking to me, probably it just spilled almost against his will. I can guess it was something he had been thinking about for the whole time, and in that moment he was too tired and let his guards down for a moment."

Leo still stared at him with the same intensity.

"What did he say?" Leader had to force those simple words out of him as if the were actually choking him.

"He said 'I don't wanna hurt him'." Don finally met Leo's eyes.

He could se that at first it even didn't make sense to Leonardo. He could trace blue masked ninja's thinking process easily: Raph didn't want to hurt _him_? But it was Leo who had done horrible thing to his sibling. He was the one who had made his brother suffer. He had violated not only other's body, but also his soul. He was the one to hurt.

But then very slowly realization started to form in Leonardo's head as his eyes widened slightly and breathing became a little more raged than before.

"I know it sounds horrible…" Donnie continued after making sure that other one accepted information. "But… But maybe it would have been better if you _had_ broken him comletely. I don't know. Broken things can be repaired. It can be difficult and almost impossible, but there's always a chance to do it. Raphael is like a power generator you attempted to maintain. You didn't break it, bit you caused short circuit. And on of its' fuses burned out completely. And by certain reasons neither I nor Mikey or anyone else for the matter can fix it or replace it with the new one. And even if we could generator still works with full power and there's high voltage inside of it. It needs to be switched off to be repaired."

He threw quick towards hothead's room.

"But Raph's not a machine." Don's voice was pained now. "We _can't_ switch him off to replace burned out fuse. At least until he let us. And he doesn't seem to let anyone approach him like that for quite a time."

Another short pause.

"You know what that fuse is, do you?"

Sticky fingers of fear, Twitching and cold, ran along Leo's spine. They reached for his whole body then crawled right into his soul, not paying attention to leader's feeble resistance.

Did he know? Oh yes…

He knew.


End file.
